Jumping Waves

I recently earned a promotion at my job. I think it’s important to note that I earned this promotion, it helps with context later. Now my promotion doesn’t launch me into a unique tier of power in the world, I have moved to become effectively middle management. Not to talk down about my new role, I am very happy. The corporate world can be cold and unforgiving. You can traverse your whole career just being a number in a system. Even if you level up, you can still be relatively anonymous. For me that cycling thought kept me in a steady “tumble” cycle of mediocrity. Always believing I was better than my standing but felt I was screaming into a void.

When I landed my career job, I wasn’t even sure I would make it a year. I was still hellbent on comedy taking me to the top. That was the title I cared about. The key point there was that I was chasing a title. So, when I arrived at my first position here, I did the required work to be employed. I wasn’t bought in and certainly didn’t see potential for me to be impactful. After nearly three years, I found myself slowly caring about things in the office I didn’t before, even buying in on ideas that felt silly to say out loud. I was volunteering to work extra, not just for the OT, but because I wanted to see a project through.

While I hope you are secretly telling yourself that you are amazed at my transformation, I imagine like me when I read this stuff, bullshit. You got paid better to be better. In truth my better life, led to better choices, and better opportunities. However, I was on the same playing field as my peers. My movement beyond that was a choice. This piece isn’t about my professional journey or the choices I made. It’s about understanding what those choices taught me in hindsight.

I’ve been a confident person most of my life. Confident in my ability to learn or understand, and frankly just be a human. I’m not cocky or overtly humble, just rocking the middle of knowing I’m not garbage but I also don’t understand a lot of math. I tend to approach most things from a curiosity standpoint. I’m either satiated and moving on, or I find something to rub up against and go deeper. That is what happened here.

To this day I have a healthy respect for the ocean. Not fear, just respect. We have an agreement, I won’t test my luck, and it won’t drag me to a violent death. I love the beach, and I am in awe at the size and power of the ocean. The one activity I can always be talked into is jumping waves. I go out about sternum high and as the waves come in you jump and try to crest the wave. It’s exhausting and fun. The thing about jumping waves is when you are in it, you lose track of your position. The last time I was jumping waves, I remember thinking to myself “wow, it feels like I am further out than I started”, then I reached for the shore, and it wasn’t there. I turn around and I can’t locate where my stuff is on the beach. I went further out and down the shoreline that I thought, and I wasn’t certain where to go from there. It’s that moment I felt that little twinge of anxiety creep in. The immediate answer wasn’t obvious, and my brain wanted to jump to panic. Fortunately, my father, who is an ex-Navy rescue swimmer and human fish, was nearby. He didn’t grab me, didn’t yell at me, he just calmly swam and said “relax, don’t fight and just slowly swim toward the shore”. When we got back to the sand and there was a bit of embarrassment washing over me, my dad slapped my back and said, “moves quick, huh?”. No busting my chops or lecturing on proper handling of the ocean, just an acknowledgement that it happens.

That is what this is about. I think in the world we move quick and our throwing ourselves into things we aren’t always confident in, or trust. We know there is joy to be found in it and we want to see how we face the challenge. Then sometimes the waves are too much, and you are turned around. The role you once had, that was simple and outlined, has become so much less clear and far from where you started. Anxiety and panic can set in, and you can force yourself into a problem. We all need to look for those swimmers who can remind us that we can go back to shore and find ourselves.

My promotion has been a series of waves. Some are technical and some professional. There are even personal waves that come in. A changing role, less time to pursue former dreams and even a change of heart in the direction of my life. Each time I jump a wave, I remind myself I can return to the shore if the waves are too much.